A Review of Family Relationships

The checklist below can help us apply the principles of relationships in daily life, taking an important step toward harmonious connections in life.

Please answer the following questions honestly. The more "no" answers you have, the more hidden entanglements may exist in your family, causing unconscious suffering for both yourself and your loved ones. If you wish to improve family relationships, enhance the flow of love, clarify entanglements, and reclaim your rightful place and power, Systemic Constellation can likely help you achieve these goals! ✎Family Relationship Checklist✐ 1. Sense of Belonging

    • Does everyone know the names of their grandparents on both sides?

    • Are your grandparents' histories and lives known, acknowledged, and respected?

    • When discussing family members, is there a respectful attitude?

    • Are you aware of who the members of your family system are?

    • Does every family member have equal rights to belong? Is anyone excluded? 

    • Does everyone in the family feel a sense of belonging? Do the children feel they belong?

    • Are family members who died young or prematurely still recognized as part of the family? 

    • Are those who have made mistakes, committed crimes, or acted violently still acknowledged as family members?

    • Do the parents recognize and face the presence of children lost through abortion?

    • In times of crisis, can family members unite to face it together? 2. Order and Responsibility

 • Are there traditions that have existed for more than two generations, and are these traditions respected?

    • Are those who have contributed to the family for many years respected and publicly thanked?

    • Do the parents clearly understand their roles as heads of the family?

    • Do parents see themselves as serving the family and its members?

    • Are family members working together for the common happiness and harmony of the family?

    • Are the roles, responsibilities, and obligations of family members clearly defined?

    • Do the elders show a caring and nurturing attitude towards the younger members?

    • When necessary, can elders provide firm guidance?

    • Do younger members respect their elders? Is there a positive attitude when speaking about them?

    • Can younger members express differing opinions respectfully?

    • Is there a positive attitude when spouses speak about each other? Do they respect each other's parents and families?

    • Do parents handle their conflicts independently without involving their children? 3. Balance of Giving and Receiving

   • Is there a balance of love and being loved in the family?

    • Does everyone value the contributions made by other family members?

    • Does everyone feel that there is a balance between what they give and receive?

    • Are household tasks distributed fairly, and does everyone willingly accept their responsibilities?

    • Do the parents care about the needs of everyone in the family?

    • In a crisis, are the elders willing to take on responsibilities and risks?

    • Can the spouses express gratitude to each other and wish to reciprocate each other's efforts?

    • Do spouses feel balanced in their relationship? Is communication smooth?

    • Are spouses satisfied with the balance in their sexual relationship?

    • Can spouses express hurtful feelings and address them in a balanced way?

    • Are financial dealings and inheritance matters in the family handled reasonably?

    • Are financial transactions between family members and outsiders smooth? Are there any unjust gains?

    • Is there a common family fund for leisure, learning, and development? 4. Respecting and Acknowledging the Truth

 • Are the identities of all family members recognized?

    • Are family crises discussed openly?

    • Do family members acknowledge mistakes?

    • Are achievements praised and successes acknowledged?

    • Can everyone express grief and accept the reality of unfortunate deaths?

    • In cases of harm, violence, or loss of life, has reconciliation been achieved in everyone’s hearts?

    • Are family secrets respected, and is there a readiness to face them respectfully?

    • When mentioning family members who have experienced suicide, severe illness, or addiction, are kind words used?

    • Are former partners or marriages of oneself or parents mentioned with a friendly attitude?

    • Does everyone understand the family's financial situation? 5. Living in the Present and Moving Forward

• When talking about the past, are words of gratitude used rather than denial or complaints?

    • Can family members learn from past experiences without repeating the same mistakes?

    • Can family members move forward without dwelling on the past?

    • Do you believe your parents want you to be happy and content?

    • When you are happy, do you avoid feeling guilty about your family of origin?

    • When both your family of origin and the family you’ve created need you, do you prioritize your created family?

    • Are the marriages of all adults in the family going smoothly?

    • Do your parents get along well with your partner?

    • Do you feel your parents have given you the most precious things?

    • Have you passed on the love you received from your parents to your children?

    • Are you fulfilling your life’s mission and moving toward your ideals?

✎Turning Insights into Action✐ If you see imbalances in your relationships, family system, or the way you express love through the above checklist, you can take action starting from yourself. Begin by correcting small deviations without outside help. For example, when your parents argue, remind yourself not to violate the "Order Principle" by getting involved and respect their way of handling their relationship. When you feel your partner's goodwill toward you, remind yourself to truly see them and reciprocate, allowing the "Balance Principle" to work well. When a family member talks about a deceased, ill, or mentally ill relative in a dismissive or evasive manner, you will know that the "Belonging Principle" is being violated. At that point, you can privately explain the principle to your family and encourage them to give a place to that relative in their hearts. ✎Active and Concrete Actions✐ In addition, there are some active and concrete actions you can take. For instance, during Lunar New Year, start by bowing to your parents. If you are married, make sure to bow to your spouse’s parents as well, and have your children do the same, teaching them to respect and honor their parents. During Qingming Festival, visit the graves of your ancestors with humility and respect. Learn about your grandparents and their lives, thank them for passing down life to you, and promise to make good use of this life to be happier, more successful, and contribute to society, making them proud of you. Start creating your family system chart. Ask your elders about your family members and history, and bring the chart out during family gatherings for sincere discussions, especially about those who are most easily forgotten or overlooked. When forgotten or excluded family members are remembered and honored, their rightful place naturally returns in everyone's hearts—this simple act alone can begin to influence and adjust your family system! If your family has experienced significant challenges; if the entanglements are deep; if you encounter inexplicable emotions or recurring patterns; or if there is no information or connection about the family, and despite your efforts, no improvement is seen, then you may consider engaging in a Systemic Constellation to address these issues. If it involves other family members, you can also discuss and decide whether to do a constellation together. If the answer is yes, be sure to seek assistance from a professionally certified constellation facilitator.

 Extracted from “Love and Reconciliation” by Chou Ting Wen