Abortion: The Pain In My Heart

Order of Precedence: Everyone in the family has their own rightful place, even the aborted children. From Taipei, Fengzhi who is 45 years old this year, is an expansion manager for a famous high-end restaurant chain. She has opened over ten branch stores for the company, and works tirelessly like an unstoppable machine, never needing a break. When she attended my workshop, she seemed as stiff as a robot, with no smiles on her face. I asked her what happened. She said that she and her husband haven't had much to talk about for several years. There is hardly any communication between them despite living under the same roof. “I don’t know why too. It seems that we have incompatible temperaments, and every time we talk, we end up arguing, causing our relationship to grow more distant. So I put all my focus into work. However, I always feel empty in my heart,” Fengzhi responded. “Perhaps the problem between you two is not just what you can see on the surface. Do you still love your husband?” I asked. This question deeply shook Fengzhi, and she could not stop questioning herself, “Do I still love him? Looking back, it’s been almost 20 years since we got married. I married him because I like his honest and straightforward personality, and we went through many challenging times together. Our children have grown up too. But do I still love him?” After pondering for some time, she nodded her head and answered, “Yes, I do still love my husband.” “Does he still love you?” This question deeply shook Fengzhi again. After a moment of pause, she said, “I think he still loves me too.” “So you two still love each other, but have a difficult time getting along.” “Yes. This is the reason why I came to this workshop.” “Alright, let’s delve into the true nature of your relationship. Please choose two people from the participants of this class whom you don’t know. One to represent yourself and one to represent your husband.” Fengzhi followed my instructions and selected two participants to represent herself and her husband. “Now, in the middle of the classroom, position where you and your husband stand in relation to each other, according to how you feel.” I further reminded her, “As you arrange it, quiet your mind and let your intuition guide you in placing yourselves in relation to one another.” Uninterrupted by anyone, Fengzhi placed a great distance between her and her husband, with at least five meters separating them. “As you can see, the positions you arranged immediately reflects the subconscious gap between you and your husband.” Fengzhi silently bit her lip.

Then, something even more peculiar happened. The person representing Fengzhi lowered her head, staring straight at the floor as if in a daze, like a walking corpse. The person representing her husband looked outward. Neither of them looked at each other. “Did you see that? You keep looking down at the floor, not knowing what you were looking at? And your husband seems to be avoiding it too. There must be something between you two that has not been resolved.” Through observing the representatives, I continued asking her, “Have you and your husband ever had an abortion?” The word “abortion” felt like a jolt of electricity, striking deep into Fengzhi's heart. Looking back over the past few years, she recalled how their conversations had decreased, yet the number of abortions…... “We had 11 abortions……” Fengzhi choked up in a low voice. Her eyes turned red, her face turned pale, and she kept rubbing her hands. She continued on, “I’ve watched Master Hellinger’s DVD and there was one woman who said she had 7 abortions. Hellinger told her that there was no hope…… I had 11 abortions, I don’t know if there’s still hope for me?” Tears streamed down Fengzhi's face as she trembled with emotion. I held her hand tightly, looked deeply into her eyes and said, “Whether there’s hope or not is not dependent on others, it depends on you. Even the best expert can only assist you from the sidelines. The most crucial person that can help you is still yourself. Do you understand?” Fengzhi stopped weeping and nodded, like she had realized something. After a short while, I asked her, “Are you ready to face this problem?” She remained silent, showing no reaction. I quietly stood by Fengzhi. After a while, she said with dampened eyes and trembling voice, “Yes!” As such, I invited 11 participants to represent the 11 aborted children, and have them seated on the floor in front of Fengzhi and the representative of her husband.

“Now, like a mother, take a good look at the 11 children.” Fengzhi's tears flowed out like a flood. She crouched down and hugged every aborted child, touching their cheeks with deep love and guilt. Tears and mucus flowed uncontrollably. Some of the children longed for her embrace and held onto Fengzhi tightly, crying. Some of the children had their heads turned away out of anger towards Fengzhi. Every child had a different reaction; some were calm, some were lost, some were sad and some were angry. Fengzhi hugged them one by one, constantly caressing them with love. I guided Fengzhi to tell them, “I am your mother. I am the one who killed you all. We will bear this responsibility and guilt. You are all free.” Fengzhi said these words to the children from the bottom of her heart. Everyone present was moved by what they saw. Everyone saw Fengzhi’s heart opened up, and she was starting to change……

After half an hour, Fengzhi calmed down, and the children calmed down too. “Now, place each of these children in your heart,” I said. Fengzhi stood up and looked at each of her children like a mother, placing them in her heart with dignity, one by one. At this point, something peculiar happened. The person representing Fengzhi’s husband started turning his head and looked at them. This is the first time that the both of them are looking at each other, since the start of the positioning and arrangement. Fengzhi faced the representative for her husband and said, “Let’s face this together, alright?” The representative for her husband nodded. The distance between the two of them got closer, and finally, the husband could stand beside Fengzhi, to face their aborted children. Fengzhi’s courage saved herself and her marriage. At this point, we have concluded the arrangement process. Fengzhi asked me, “What do I still have to do after I go back?” I answered, “Your heart is already beginning to transform, so don't rush to do anything when you go back. Let the whole process continue to simmer within you. When you naturally feel the urge to do something, it will be a force that arises from within you. At that moment, you can talk to your husband again about how the abortions made you feel, and then do some good deeds from the heart to commemorate these children.” Fengzhi nodded her head. I turned my head around to face all the participants and said, “Children are the fruits of a couple's love. When a couple destroys this fruit of their love, it is like severing their relationship and causing a rupture in their connection. Only when both parties are willing to bear the responsibility together, can their relationship have a chance to start anew.” A few months later, I saw Fengzhi at my workshop again. She became completely different and felt full of life. Not only did her complexion become rosy, she also smiled more. What’s even more surprising is that her husband came to the workshop with her. “This is something that I could never have dreamed of. My husband used to be very opposed to me attending the workshops, but after the previous workshop, my husband saw some change in me, and we talked a lot about the abortion issues. So I invited my husband to attend the workshop this time and he agreed. I think it’s amazing and I’m also very happy,” Fengzhi told everyone with a smile. Two years later, I happened to be near Taipei Station for work and suddenly recalled that someone told me that Fengzhi has opened a health food restaurant nearby. I looked up and saw a restaurant ahead, so I got off and went in to take a look. I thought, if fate had it, I might really run into her. Upon entering the restaurant, I actually saw Fengzhi making juice behind the bar counter! She was also very shocked when she saw me. She warmly welcomed me to sit down and have a juice, and told me about her recent situation. She said, “Since that time, I quit my job and took a long break. I then decided to open my own shop and run it my way. I’m no longer a workaholic like before, and I now work at my own pace.” As Fengzhi was happily talking to me, a person walked out of the kitchen, guess who it was? It was actually Fengzhi’s husband! I was really surprised. Fengzhi chuckled and said, “After attending the workshop, the two of us have more to talk about now, and our relationship has become better. I said I wanted to open a store, and he actually offered to come and help me.” With a grin on his face too, her husband served me a bowl of soup and said. “Hi Teacher Chou, this is our signature mung bean and barley soup, please have some! It’s on the house!”