Equal Right to Belonging: Every Member's Place in the System

In a family system, a fundamental rule is that every member has an equal right to belong. Many families and family systems often deny this right to some members. For instance:

1. When a married man has an illegitimate child from an affair, he or his wife might say, "I don't want to know anything about that child or their mother. They are not part of our family."

2. When a family member suffers, like a grandfather's first wife who died in childbirth, other members may stop mentioning her out of fear, as if she never existed.

3. When a family member breaks family rules, others might say, "You have shamed us. We disown you." Those who believe they hold a moral high ground are essentially saying, "We have more right to belong to this family than you" or "You forfeited your right to belong." In these situations, "good" merely means, "I have more power", and "evil" means, "You have less power." Stillborn or early-deceased children often lose their right to belong as they are often being forgotten. For example, parents might name another child after a deceased one, sending the message, "You no longer belong to our family; we've replaced you." The deceased child cannot retain their own name. When a family member's right to belong is denied—whether through disregard, tragic fate, or lack of recognition and gratitude—a force seeking balance will compel descendants to replicate the fate of the excluded member through identifying with them. Members who are recognized within their family or system may not be fully conscious of this connection, and they may lack the ability to advocate for themselves. When a member's right to belong is denied, an unstoppable force arises to restore the original integrity of the system. This may cause other members to replicate or reenact their fates in an effort to compensate for injustices against certain individuals. In such situations, surviving family members may often struggle with feelings of guilt about their perceived unfair survival compared to those who have passed away, even if they aren't consciously aware of these emotions. They strive to address this injustice, which can impede their personal growth.

Extracted from “Rising in Love”

by Bert Hellinger