From Good to Better: Guiding a Couple to a Fresh Start

A couple, Conrad and Cecilia, sought Hellinger’s help. Hellinger (to Conrad and Cecilia): What seems to be the problem? Conrad: Well, it’s our relationship. I often find myself in a state of tension, always trying to do something good. I think it’s a central theme in my life. Hellinger: Tell her, “I’m great.” Look at her while you say it, just a simple, “I’m great.” Conrad: I’m great. Hellinger: “And you’re great too.” Conrad: And you’re great too. Hellinger (to Cecilia): You tell him the same thing.  Cecilia: You’re great, and I’m great too. (They both laugh.) Hellinger (to Conrad): With that compliment, it’s like receiving good fortune. There’s a secret here, do you know what it is? It will get even better! Cecilia: Do you mean that we’re great? Hellinger: Yes, good things will get better, greatness will grow greater, and two people together are the best. For a relationship to thrive, the first tip is to have mutual recognition and appreciation: “That’s nice”, “I like that”, “That suits you”, “You did well”, “That tastes delicious”. I’m talking about very simple things. If something displeases you, think about what might be good in it. Here’s a second tip for strengthening and developing your relationship. A river grows from its source, where the water springs forth and becomes a river. So, when you have issues, go back to the source. For example, remember the moment you first met. When you return to that source, you might see the light in each other’s eyes and the joy on your faces. The third tip to have a good relationship is to let go of past mistakes or unpleasant events and never bring them up again. Leave those things behind, don’t talk about them, and don’t think about them. There will be no problem, and experienced people can do this. Conrad (to Hellinger): She just asked me if we could do this, and I told her we can. Hellinger: Great! Here’s the fourth tip for a good relationship—offer each other a fresh start.  Hellinger (to Conrad): Any other issues?  

Conrad: No more issues. 

Hellinger (to Cecilia): Any other issues? 

Cecilia: No, this consultation has been very enlightening. 

Hellinger: Are you satisfied? Any other questions? 

Cecilia: Actually, this is enough.

Conrad: Yes, this is enough.

Hellinger: I think so too. For an experienced couple like you, you can handle everything that comes next.

Extracted from “To the Heart of the Matter: Brief Therapies” by Bert Hellinger