Hellinger on Addiction

When a person misses someone, the phenomenon of addiction may arise. Addiction acts as a substitute for the person being missed. How can we treat this addiction? By reconnecting with the person we miss.

So, who do people with addictions typically miss? It is often their father. Without a father figure, individuals struggle to experience a sense of completeness. We yearn to find that missing element to regain our sense of wholeness and restoration. However, the things that lead us to addiction are merely substitutes; they cannot truly satisfy this need, resulting in ongoing addiction and a continued sense of absence. 

How can we assist those with addictions? How can they help themselves? By retrieving what is missing, the addiction becomes unnecessary. One of the most common forms of addiction in our time is smoking. Despite cigarette packs warning that "smoking is deadly", only a few are deterred. No matter how harmful, smokers often still desire to smoke. So, how can a smoker think of their father while smoking? If smoking brings them pleasure, it can be a helpful process. Smoking can make them somewhat aware of the absence in their lives.

For instance, when they feel the urge to smoke, or feel compelled to smoke, it highlights how much they miss their father. With each puff, they can envision their father’s image, inhaling deeply and thinking, “Dad, I bring you into my heart.” They should continue smoking until they feel their father is present in their heart. The situation with alcohol addiction is similar. For someone with a drinking problem, each sip can be imagined as sharing a drink with their father. They can slowly sip, bringing their father into their heart deeper and deeper until they feel completely filled with their father’s presence.

What role does the mother play in this? How can mothers assist children struggling with addiction? Mothers must acknowledge that they are only half of the child's parental figures. They should lovingly guide their children toward their fathers instead of distancing them from their fathers. This movement begins when mothers are willing to see their children's fathers within them, love their fathers, and remember the times they spent together. This way, the child can acknowledge their longing and desire for their father, helping their inner world become whole and healthy.

Extracted from “Laws of Healing” by Bert Hellinger