Hellinger on the "Compensatory Mindset"

A man called to inquire about his situation:

He mentioned that he has a disabled sister at home. He wants to love and care for her, but he cannot get close to her. Hellinger has stated in his teachings: “When there is a disabled child in the family, other siblings often struggle to accept their own lives and destinies. They may limit their own experiences as a form of compensation for their disabled sibling. We observe that this only adds to the burden of the disabled child, as they inadvertently become the reason their siblings feel constrained in enjoying their lives. Healthy children may feel guilty about their own well-being when faced with a disabled sibling. They sense that they are benefiting while their sibling suffers, which can create a desire to make amends. This guilt often leads to an unfulfilled life, as they seek comfort only through a sense of compensation.” The solution is as follows: Healthy children should say to their disabled siblings: “I bow to your fate. I respect your destiny, as well as my own. I accept the life I have been given, and I encourage you to live fully in yours. But I will always be your sibling, and I will be there for you when you need me.” This approach allows the disabled child to develop freely. Additionally, healthy children can draw strength from their connection with their disabled sibling, allowing them to flourish, while the disabled child can participate in the lives and achievements of their healthy siblings.

Extracted from “No Waves without the Ocean: Experiences and Thoughts”

by Bert Hellinger