How to Live Your True Self with the Power of Family’s Love?

In traditional Eastern beliefs, the prosperity of the family has always been an important value, and most families wish to raise successful children. As the Chinese saying goes, 'Hoping for the son to become a dragon, hoping for the daughter to become a phoenix', parents often have high hopes for their children, wishing them to achieve great success and fulfill their potential. In Chinese society, the vast majority of parents put their children first. Families devote a lot of time and energy to raising the next generation. This can be observed during annual festivities and family reunions, where both distant and close relatives show enthusiasm in caring about the children of one another.

Being at the very end of the family system, the children actively or passively receive their family's care and resources. They also bear the responsibilities and pressures that come with it. Even in normal friendships, "being grateful and returning the favor" is a well understood concept. This becomes even more evident when it comes to parents and family, bound by blood. When they invest their all in their children, it often becomes difficult for the children to refuse their parents' expectations and demands. When parents' expectations clash with a child's preferred route, it frequently leads to conflict and disagreement. In the long run, this might lead to either having to deal with guilt in front of one's family and parents or repressing one's genuine desires to get by in life. Regardless of the outcome, there is usually a sense of regret.

Given this situation, do we have better choices? Is there a way to make love more wholesome, allowing it to nurture and benefit every member of the family? From the perspective of Systemic Constellation, all interactions among family members actually have their underlying patterns and connections. Through the observation, organization, and summary of numerous cases, we have gained some insights and solutions. To help you understand these revelations and live your true self with the love of your family, we have presented these findings in a clear and simple manner below.

1. Adherence to the Basic Orders of Life：

In systemic constellations, it's observed that people can only prosper and achieve their true selves when they are in their rightful positions. Within Chinese families, children may sometimes become confused about their positions due to excessive pampering or misguided influences from family members. For instance, when grandparents overly favor their grandchildren, allowing them to neglect their parents, it results in a disruption of the proper order. Similarly, when a family places undue emphasis on males over females, it can lead to a situation where a son's status surpasses that of older female siblings or even the mother. From the observations in systemic constellation cases, these kinds of misplacement can often be detrimental to both the family and the individuals involved. For example, in some cases where success (in career or wealth) is hard to attain, the root cause is often found to be a lack of connection and respect for the mother. When a child's position surpasses that of their parents, it also leads to negative effects, such as strained family relationships and hindrances to personal development.

Hence, recognizing one's correct position and returning to the right position is the first step in restoring love to its proper course. Even if people in the family have given imbalanced love and positions due to their lack of understanding of these rules, we still have the choice to accept love in a way that feels right and healthy when we are in the correct position. This ensures that the love is pure and wholesome. When this love reaches us, it brings us good rather than harm.

2. Utilizing the Law of Balance：

Within a family, love can sometimes lead to ‘exclusive affection’. This is perfectly normal if you are the only child in the family. However, when you have siblings, such exclusivity can affect the family as the Law of Balance is constantly at work in the family's collective consciousness and subconscious. Receiving more love also implies giving back more. When you receive more than what you can return, it often leads to an imbalance in a person's life and may result in a sacrificial life path. Therefore, it's important to be aware of both giving and receiving in life and maintain its equilibrium. For example, those who receive an abundance of love can share what they receive with their siblings. This not only strengthens sibling bonds but also prevents one individual from hoarding too much family energy in their subconscious. When family members give us their kindness, we should also respond and reciprocate appropriately, allowing this love to flow freely. This way, it doesn't become a source of pressure in our personal lives due to one-sided accumulation.

3. Refining the Way We Love：

In Chinese families, children are often taught to express love in restricted ways, such as 'if you love me, you'll obey me' or 'if you love me, you'll do as I say’. These patterns may persist even into adulthood, long after we've been free from these restrictions. Deep within our subconscious, we've grown accustomed to and internalized this agreement and logic, leading us to believe that love is all about satisfying the desires of our loved ones. For example, becoming the doctor or lawyer our father wishes for, or marrying the ideal partner our mother envisions. However, these are just a few of the ways to respond. In the broader scope of life's principles, we have many other options for responding to and balancing the love we receive. The simplest way to respond to love is by performing kind acts for those around us. Leading a happy and successful life is also a response to love. If you have the capability to make contributions to the world, that is a magnificent way to respond to love too. From a macro perspective, life and love, came to us through our ancestors, to our parents, and then to us. Choosing to reciprocate by contributing to the greater whole is another excellent option. Responding to and balancing love does not always require giving in or sacrificing oneself. With this understanding, life's journey becomes broader, with an abundance of choices. In reality, letting your life reach its greatest potential and showing your distinct value is the true purpose of everyone's existence. When we learn to love better and allow our lives to shine, we achieve true harmony and resonance with the greater life.

Being yourself has been a hot topic for decades, but we can fully be ourselves only when we truly understand how individuals and consciousness are interconnected in a relational system. Love works the same way. it's not just about having love, because true love nurtures, while false love causes harm. Understanding the way love functions through the law of life and learning how to love can help us build a happier family and a harmonious, beautiful world.

In this article, the concepts of systems and life are just briefly discussed. We sincerely welcome you to delve further into the extended reading below, so that these valuable insights can help you see new possibilities for the future.

Further Reading (1) - Basic Orders of Life

Further Reading (2) - Law of Balance

Further Reading (3) - What is Systemic Constellation?

Learning Recommendation: Systemic Constellation Workshops

Case Consultation: Systemic Constellation Consultation Appointment