Love and Respect

Participant: I have a question about another form of love that often involves hurt. The love between parents and children can sometimes be quite destructive, and the effects of this do not diminish as they grow older. What is your perspective on this? What is the true essence of love between parents and children, and what constitutes healthy love in this relationship? Can this love be compared to the love for pets? What are the differences? Hellinger: In my work, I have observed that these dynamics occur between individuals, particularly in the relationships between parents and children. However, we can also view these relationships within a larger context. For example, a daughter may represent her grandmother because her mother rejected her own mother. When the mother-daughter relationship from the previous generation remains unresolved, the issues extend to the next generation. If a mother can truly see her own mother, bow to her, respect her fate, and willingly accept everything her mother has given her, then her daughter can be freed from the pressure of identification, and the mother-daughter relationship can be reconciled. When the mother-daughter relationship is strained, with the mother scolding, abusing, or failing to accept her daughter’s identity as a woman, the problem re-enters their relationship. In families and couples, there is no such thing as a simple two-person relationship; the problem always revolves around the system. If we focus solely on the relationship, the problem will remain unresolved, and any advice will be ineffective.

Extracted from “No Waves without the Ocean: Experiences and Thoughts” by Bert Hellinger