Reclaiming His Love for His Father after 30 Years

When asked, “What is your usual relationship with your father like?” he paused briefly, then answered slowly: “Let me share my story.” Three years ago, I started working at my father’s company. Before that, I had no contact with him.When I was very young, my parents divorced, and I went to live with my mother. I grew up witnessing their bitter fights. I still remember one particularly intense fight when I was about seven or eight. My father kicked the door furiously, and my mother was holding a knife. Their relationship was never good, and they eventually divorced because my father had an affair. The man shared his story calmly, with little sign of emotion. Yet, in the constellation process, a different picture emerged—another side of him. His father harbored intense emotions toward his mother, looking visibly distressed, as if words were trapped inside him. The mother, overwhelmed with fear, curled up in a corner, turning her back on everyone. Meanwhile, as a child, the man stood between his parents, filled with rage toward his father, stretching his arms wide to block him from approaching his mother. He wanted to protect her. Children who grow up witnessing their parents' conflicts often feel compelled to protect one parent, which leads to deep resentment toward the other. This is a common dynamic, especially in Chinese families, where children often get caught between their parents, suffering and losing a sense of self in the process. But what should children do in these situations? How can they express love for both parents? In this constellation, the facilitator guided the man to directly confront his father and express his truest feelings. Seeing his father’s pain and turmoil, the man embraced him and said, “Dad, over the past three years, I’ve slowly come to understand the suffering you endured all these years.” He continued to speak at length to his father—this man whom he had neither seen nor contacted for nearly thirty years. With their foreheads gently pressed together, the father and son sat silently, eyes brimming with tears. The scene deeply moved everyone present, bringing tears to their own eyes. This might be one of the most profound expressions of emotion between men. For thirty years, both father and son had buried so many emotions, so much pain. Now, they were rebuilding a connection—a heartfelt exchange that had long been missing between them.  Through this process, the man was able to step out of the conflict between his parents. He told his father, “Dad, I love you, and I love Mom too. I respect your relationship.” Turning to his mother, he said, “Mom, I love you, but I also love Dad!”  Finally, he felt a sense of relief, smiling at his parents with teary eyes. He had reclaimed his love for his father and no longer carried the burden of his mother’s anger toward him. Children raised amid parental conflict often develop in one of two ways. Some become obsessed with building physical strength, hoping to protect one parent from the other. In these cases, the facilitator helps the child withdraw from the parental relationship and return to their rightful role, guiding them to love their parents maturely and respectfully. Another scenario is that, as children grow up, they may become overly obedient, timid in front of others, afraid to speak up, and unable to refuse any requests from adults. In such cases, how can a facilitator help guide these children?  The first approach is to encourage them to express love for both parents individually, for example: “I love Mom, but I also love Dad.” The second approach is to help the child reconnect with their mother by having them lie in her arms, allowing them to experience the warmth and safety of her embrace. The third approach involves guiding them to break free from the emotional restraints that have bound them—symbolically shedding the fear and trauma from childhood. They are encouraged to run toward their parents and find harmony and comfort in their embrace. This process creates new experiences and memories, gradually softening the impact of the old childhood wounds. We must acknowledge that divorce inevitably affects children. It’s unrealistic to expect otherwise. However, if the separation is handled well, the impact can be significantly reduced. When parents have a poor relationship, they may criticize or resent each other in front of the child, leading to an inner split where the child feels forced to love only one parent. Yet, deep in their subconscious, children love both parents unconditionally. As parents, we can help by recognizing the good in each other. Saying things like, “You smile just like your father” or “You’re loyal to your friends just like your father” allows both parents to remain present in the child’s life, even after separation. This continuity helps the child grow steadily, with fewer disruptions to their emotional development.