Respecting Former Partners

Interactions between partners need to be balanced, even during a breakup. If not, the unresolved issues can carry over to future generations, affecting innocent children. Every position in the relationship must be acknowledged and respected, including former partners and children. A man once asked Hellinger for help, saying he wanted to find a woman to build a stable and lasting relationship with. Hellinger asked the man how many intimate partners had he had before? He answered: seven.

Hellinger advised him to abandon the idea of finding such a woman. When the man asked if there was any way to make his wish come true, Hellinger said, “The only hope for making your wish come true is to respect these seven former partners. Embrace the love they once gave you, keep this gift in your heart, and bring it into your new relationship. Only then will you have a chance to build a stable and lasting relationship.” In my class, there was a couple who were very close and loved their son deeply. Despite this, the son harbored inexplicable anger towards his mother and even threatened her. There were no apparent issues between them, yet this anger was evident in his behavior. After numerous communications and counseling sessions, a systemic constellation revealed a deeper issue: the mother had previously been unfair to an ex-boyfriend, causing him lasting resentment. During the systemic constellation, it became clear that their son resembled the mother’s ex-boyfriend, as if inheriting his emotions. When the mother saw the angry look in the person representing her son, it was exactly the same as her ex-boyfriend's. She was very shocked. Of course, no one noticed this connection in daily life; they only saw its effects. Now that the root of the problem has been revealed, what should be done next? To address the issue, I first asked the mother to apologize sincerely to her former partner, acknowledge and value the love he had given her, cherish their shared past, and hold that love in her heart, giving him a place there. She should also apologize for any harm caused and take responsibility for her part, ultimately reaching a balanced reconciliation. At the same time, it was important to restore the child's rightful place in the family. I instructed her to clarify to the child: “You are my son, and I am your mother. My past with my ex-partner has nothing to do with you. You are the son of me and your father.” After these steps were taken, the son’s anger towards his mother quickly dissipated, and their interactions improved significantly.

Extracted from “Love and Reconciliation” by Chou Ting Wen