The Impact of Ex-Spouses and Former Partners

A crucial insight from systemic constellation has enhanced our understanding of modern psychology: Hellinger identified the influence of ex-husbands, ex-wives, and previous partners on second marriages and their children. It's essential to acknowledge this reality: the separation or passing of the first partner paves the way for the arrival of a second partner. The first wife "makes space" for the second wife, enabling the formation of the second marriage and the birth of subsequent children. Without their act of “making space”, we, the descendants, would not be here. Therefore, these ex-partners are integral to the system, and their positions must be genuinely acknowledged. Conversely, if their positions are not respected, or if the relationship with the first partner ends unfairly, the second marriage may unconsciously benefit from the loss of the first marriage. In such cases, the second marriage may feel a sense of indebtedness to the first, seeking to compensate for the loss, especially when misfortune befalls the first marriage. This unconscious drive for compensation can manifest in various ways, including marital failures, physical or mental health issues, losses in work or career, or children identifying with their parents' former partners, leading to strained parent-child relationships or future marital breakdowns. So, how can we improve these situations? First, on our part, it's essential to end the relationship fairly. If we owe something to our partner, we must repay them; if unresolved feelings remain, we should find a suitable way to reconcile. If it's challenging to meet with former partners again, we can perform acts of kindness in their name to express our gratitude. Most importantly, even after a breakup, we should still give them a place in our hearts, acknowledging them as our former partners. As for our parents' ex-husbands, ex-wives, or previous partners, we must respect them. Without them "making space" and leaving, we would not exist as we do today. Thus, not only must we genuinely respect their position, but we should also honor them by performing good deeds in their memory. This way, we move beyond compensating for invisible losses and instead create more positive outcomes from unfortunate circumstances, embodying a more fulfilling sense of connection.

Extracted from “Love and Reconciliation” by Chou Ting Wen